(psuedo)existential meanderings

so sitting here in the wake of an oddly enchanted day, leaves me wondering, leaves me instinctively grasping at the so very fleeting past, and more importantly leaves me wondering about the psychological and social patterns that i have witnessed throughout my somewhat short life.

essentially, how every action does infact have a reaction, and exploring that to it's utmost. how every person(around here) used to be cool, used to hang out, used to be down to hang out with most people all the time, and slowly, some days some people felt too cool to hang out. most likely they thought their friends were too "immature", or some derivative of it. then other days, these people realize that their view of being above these people leaves them feeling rather lonely, and as a good portion of these people have nothing fulfilling in their life other than the short lived verbal approval of others, or even just validation; other people acknowledging they exist - and the substances that these occurrences usually happen under the influence of, they seek to hang out with these people again. now the people that they once looked down upon, look even deeper down at them, possibly pride, possibly from the perceived hypocrisy airing from those aforementioned sanctimonious statements these people made while feeling so empowered by being above a social class they were "once" apart of. And so this cycle continues and continues, essentially in my opinion, forcing others to grow up, or that's how I perceive what happened in this area.

Of course, my verbatim here is maybe a bit filtered through rose tinted glasses, as I said before today has been very reflective of my teenage years, as they slowly draw to a close in the next 5 months. Truly, I haven't had near as much fun in my later teenage years, as I too have recently inadvertently found myself too good for the general populace of my peers, sickened by the conversation of how fucked up someone was the day before, and that's essentially all the common ground I seem to have with most people I know/ have previously associated with.

I found myself living constantly in the past, even months past. Yesterday always seemed better than today, and yesterday better than the day before, and it still does even. But when coupled with drug use, and memories of drug use, this reluctant and mostly unidentified viewpoint is incredibly destructively cyclic. When today seems really dull and lonely, you can remember last week when you partied with your broz and how unified and fulfilled you felt, from doing nothing, really. so naturally you want that feeling again, and you pursue it, dragging your friends who possibly don't want to, you convert them into happy "party" goers once more. and ad infinitum basically.

To me this whole process is incredibly trite, even when dissatisfied with life I dismiss pangs to do such things, as I just can see entirely past it now, to falsely convince my conscious, subconscious and body that I'm doing something productive, something fulfilling, repeatedly, is just the textbook example of living a lie, and it really disgusts me. It's really quite jarring to me though, to see people who are in college, who just started drinking and such, having the exact same outlook, exact same demeanor that I once did, and I'm pretty glad that I was able to get through that in my earlier years, even though it was mayhaps a bit excessive.

Just truly though, although there is money, love, and opportunity in my future, thoughts of the what if don't excite me nearly as much as the has been, for some reason. I feel as if I've grown up unjustly, as if I've just became entirely too self aware, be it from drug usage, or just overseeing peoples natural actions from a analytical perspective, and it seems as if I wont be able to have this kind of fun again, drug usage or not. I surely hope I'm wrong and I find some path leading away from this thought, just how I feel today.