(psuedo)existential meanderings

so sitting here in the wake of an oddly enchanted day, leaves me wondering, leaves me instinctively grasping at the so very fleeting past, and more importantly leaves me wondering about the psychological and social patterns that i have witnessed throughout my somewhat short life.

essentially, how every action does infact have a reaction, and exploring that to it's utmost. how every person(around here) used to be cool, used to hang out, used to be down to hang out with most people all the time, and slowly, some days some people felt too cool to hang out. most likely they thought their friends were too "immature", or some derivative of it. then other days, these people realize that their view of being above these people leaves them feeling rather lonely, and as a good portion of these people have nothing fulfilling in their life other than the short lived verbal approval of others, or even just validation; other people acknowledging they exist - and the substances that these occurrences usually happen under the influence of, they seek to hang out with these people again. now the people that they once looked down upon, look even deeper down at them, possibly pride, possibly from the perceived hypocrisy airing from those aforementioned sanctimonious statements these people made while feeling so empowered by being above a social class they were "once" apart of. And so this cycle continues and continues, essentially in my opinion, forcing others to grow up, or that's how I perceive what happened in this area.

Of course, my verbatim here is maybe a bit filtered through rose tinted glasses, as I said before today has been very reflective of my teenage years, as they slowly draw to a close in the next 5 months. Truly, I haven't had near as much fun in my later teenage years, as I too have recently inadvertently found myself too good for the general populace of my peers, sickened by the conversation of how fucked up someone was the day before, and that's essentially all the common ground I seem to have with most people I know/ have previously associated with.

I found myself living constantly in the past, even months past. Yesterday always seemed better than today, and yesterday better than the day before, and it still does even. But when coupled with drug use, and memories of drug use, this reluctant and mostly unidentified viewpoint is incredibly destructively cyclic. When today seems really dull and lonely, you can remember last week when you partied with your broz and how unified and fulfilled you felt, from doing nothing, really. so naturally you want that feeling again, and you pursue it, dragging your friends who possibly don't want to, you convert them into happy "party" goers once more. and ad infinitum basically.

To me this whole process is incredibly trite, even when dissatisfied with life I dismiss pangs to do such things, as I just can see entirely past it now, to falsely convince my conscious, subconscious and body that I'm doing something productive, something fulfilling, repeatedly, is just the textbook example of living a lie, and it really disgusts me. It's really quite jarring to me though, to see people who are in college, who just started drinking and such, having the exact same outlook, exact same demeanor that I once did, and I'm pretty glad that I was able to get through that in my earlier years, even though it was mayhaps a bit excessive.

Just truly though, although there is money, love, and opportunity in my future, thoughts of the what if don't excite me nearly as much as the has been, for some reason. I feel as if I've grown up unjustly, as if I've just became entirely too self aware, be it from drug usage, or just overseeing peoples natural actions from a analytical perspective, and it seems as if I wont be able to have this kind of fun again, drug usage or not. I surely hope I'm wrong and I find some path leading away from this thought, just how I feel today.

organizing my life

SOMETHING I've really been meaning to do for years, and something that I think I(from a neutral viewpoint) KNOW that I would do nothing but benefit from, yet my apathy dictates my incessant rationale that I don't need to do anything of the sort, that I can get wherever I want, essentially from doing things half assedly/lazily.

i would sincerely like to change that, and in this stream, i hope to identify my goals in an organized fashion, the system by which obviously not currently complete, but i feel like that is an acceptable work in progress, as whatever is efficient for me should be fine(am i already contradicting my first statement?? maybe. hahah shrug)

LONG TERM GOALS

Learn a new language
1. Decide which language to learn(Not exactly in a hurry with this goal, but it's something I would like to steadily work toward)
2. Research the history/ workings of this language
3. Spend an hour or so every day working on Rosetta Stone to become fluent in this language
(Currently none of these goals are complete.)
Current off the top of the head choices for languages to learn, possibly with pros and cons

a. Spanish. Pros being that 1.I have a small background in it, knowing quite a few of the mechanics of it, and I've found it was quite simple to learn using Rosetta Stone, the foundation will almost certainly return. 2. One of the most spoken languages in the world, and it will CERTAINLY be practically useful, possibly moreso than any other language. Cons1. I don't inherently like the way it's spoken, or maybe just indifferent to it, not that I especially DISLIKE it. I think that's probably the only con, as I've heard it's also a very easy language to learn, which would be 3 on pros.

b. Hungarian. Pros being that I am Hungarian and it would be really fuckin' cool to know the language. Cons being that it seems really hard and I think I've read a few things saying it's one of the most complex languages

C. Italian. Basically it just sounds cool, haha. Not much thought here.

That's all for off the top of my head, I'll soon do some research into this a bit further.

Become the musician that I want to be
The aspect of this I'm probably closest to achieving.

1. LEARN ALL THE FUCKING NOTES OF THE FRETBOARD. Something I've meant to do since I've started playing, I just need to realize how much of a better player I would be if I knew them, just by touching a fret I should instantly know the note, I can't develop my skills in playing in keys or modes very effectively without doing this, period.

2. PLAY WITH A FUCKING METRONOME.
Not playing with one when I first started(IE: 95 percent of my guitar playing career) has really kind of fucked me and my timing is pretty off, I need to get to the point where I play in time inherently, and not "rush" my speed which makes me sound off kilter. There's this thing this guy said, to play ONLY with a metronome for 21 days at a speed you can comfortably and 100 percent accurately play in. I don't think I could(not to say it's impossible), but I'm pretty sure that would suck the fun out of my playing, as usually i just noodle around in keys while playing the office or something.

3. WRITE. WRITE. WRITE.
My fear of imperfection has so hindered my creativity it's almost scary. I have a song I'm working on a bit right now in my head, so hopefully I can materialize it.

My perfectionism has GREATLY hindered me here, I've been meaning to write songs "when I get better" for about a year, and it was originally supposed to be in a month or 2, now I'm LEAGUES better than I ever was and still haven't written any piece of music. Reasons being, one I'm too obsessed with it being perfect

Start a career/business in internet marketing
1. Basically right now, this seems to be at a standstill. I don't want to earn too much more this month, but when I have the funds I will have to figure out PPC campaigns, niches, do much keyword research, ETC.
Get into fairly decent shape(not exactly buff or stacked or anything, just lean and in good shape)
1. Figure out an exact schedule, rather than half assedly doing shit whenever i feel like it.
2. Eat better, although this can't be much achieved until I get more money.

Expand my vocabulary/ skills as a linguistic writer(one in the same with getting over my aversion of writing)
1. Do freerice.com daily.
2. Write something, even if it's shitty, every day. Starting today, with this.